by Ken Tuccio

I’m a fan of the UFC.

When I say “fan”, I mean I regularly watch the shows, occasionally order the Pay Per Views, and have enough of a working knowledge of the sport to know which fighters are which and understand the skill involved to do what UFC fighters do.

Over the last few years the UFC has become rather huge, leaping straight into mainstream culture. It’s top fighters, such as Randy Couture, Forest Griffin, and others have become bonafide mainstream celebrities, and the sport has become legitimized in the eyes of many people who at first deemed it nothing but “glorified bar fighting”.

The success of the UFC has spawned many things; video games, huge ticket sales, gigantic PPV buys, and more. I personally have noticed one thing in particular that the success of the UFC has spawned; a creature I call the “couch fighter”.

What’s a couch fighter you ask?

A couch fighter is the individual who has never been in an actual fight, yet he does many UFC oriented things to prove his toughness to those around him. The couch fighter is the individual who will regularly go to the mall and purchase the latest Tapout hoodie and UFC T-Shirt. He’ll wear those items proudly, as if Dana White made him an actual member of the roster.

The couch fighter will regularly buy the UFC T-Shirt two sizes too small, a trick of the eye that makes his not-so-impressive biceps, which are normally covered in generic tribal oriented tattoos, seem as if they’re tearing through the fabric. He’ll also make it a point to do exaggerated flexing motions for every type of body movement he does.

I’m serious; if the couch fighter reaches into his pocket for his wallet, he flexes. If he goes to shake someone’s hand, he flexes. When he goes up to a girl and tries to impress her with his Patrick Duffy-esque physique, he flexes.

I don’t know why I felt the need to bash Patrick Duffy there. He did nothing to me and it was an unwarranted blow.

Mr. Duffy, I apologize.

Anyways, for whatever reason, the couch fighter seems to believe that those pieces of officially licensed UFC apparel gives them some sort of street cred and toughness, because when they wear it they find themselves going into bars and clubs and almost always looking for trouble.

The couch fighter is the dude who’ll walk into a bar and make wisecracks to some average looking dude who’s minding his own business and having a drink. Even if there’s no reason to start trouble, the couch fighter will find a reason to do so. Maybe he’ll make fun of the guys wardrobe, because he’s not wearing a black skull covered shirt with the words “Affliction” written all over it. Maybe he’ll mock what the guy’s drinking, because he opts to have some sort of vodka drink instead of the always classy bottle of Bud Light.

Whatever the reasoning, the couch fighter will find basis to pick on this guy, and at some point he’ll ask him to “step outside”.

The funny thing is, if the couch fighter is ever taken up on his offer, and the person being harassed steps outside ready to fight, the couch fighter will always back away. He’ll usually make some comment stating that he was, “Just messing around”, or “Doesn’t want to get arrested”, even though the most unlawful offense on the couch fighters criminal record is the parking ticket he failed to pay in 2001.

At some point throughout the night, the couch fighter will attempt to make amends with the person he was bullying. Usually in an inebriated state, he’ll walk up to the individual, mumble something that sounds like, “We’re cool right?”, and think that he’s a modern day Ghandi for preaching peace in a shady white trash bar. The person who was bullied will normally accept the apology, but deep down he still thinks the guy’s a douchebag; he’s right.

The self-inflated toughness of the couch fighter doesn’t stop in the bars; it actually carries over to when he’s watching UFC events. The couch fighter, even though he’s had no MMA training at all, seems to think he can kick the ass of everyone on the screen. He’ll preach about how he’d knock out Chuck Liddell, brag about how he’d make Frank Mir tap, and proudly state that he’d make Diego Sanchez cry like a baby. His friends will normally agree with him, because they’re usually couch fighters too, and couch fighters are always in agreement.

If you sit back and watch the couch fighter, you’ll normally be entertained. They’re unique individuals who think they’re at the top of the social ladder, when in reality they’re mocked by everyone above them.

These guys are fun to watch from afar, and entertaining to make fun of, but they’re not the kind of person who you want to engage in any sort of conversation, because, in short, they’re morons.