by Ken Tuccio

I’ve previously written about how most guys who frequent dance clubs are douchebags, a stereotype whose accuracy I completely stand behind.

In defense of the dance club douchebags, they do at least have one thing going for them; they’re in the same general age range as the women they try to get with. Normally the guys at dance clubs are within 2 to 3 years of the age of the girls they try to grind with and grope; while that doesn’t take away from their douchebaggery nature, it’s still something that should be noted.

Oh, and yes, I just made up the phrase “douchebaggery”; feel free to use it as you see fit.

Over time I’ve come to realize that there’s another type of douchebag on the prowl, a type that is amazingly just as entertaining, and much sadder to watch, than the spray tanned club-goers that I’ve previously written about; these guys are the middle-aged douchebags.

Middle-aged douchebags are, quite simply, people who believe they’re just as hip and with it as they were in their 20’s, despite the fact that most of them are now in their mid-40’s.

Most middle-aged douchebags are married with kids, but that doesn’t stop them from flirting with girls who are half their age; and in some situations, the same age as their daughters.

Watching these middle-aged douchebags flirt with young girls is a horribly entertaining thing to watch; much like a car crash, or that episode of Sabrina the Teennage Witch where Sabrina dressed up as a slut.

There’s just something fun about Melissa Joan-Hart in a tight red dress.

Anyways, these guys always look insanely out of place when they’re talking to these younger girls, and I mean that in the most literal sense of the word.

Most middle-aged douchebags don’t try to dress young, which is probably a good thing, because I never want to see a balding, pot bellied, sales executive walking around in an Ed Hardy shirt with a tribal tattoo. These middle-aged guys dress their age, something which makes it all the more entertaining when they attempt to flirt with a girl who they have absolutely no business talking to.

I’m never going to make the claim to be a ladies man, or to have a firm grasp on what it is the fairer sex wants from an individual with a penis, but I know enough to understand that a 19 year old girl wearing low rise jeans and a Hollister T-Shirt probably doesn’t want to get with a 45 year old guy wearing a Tommy Bahama collared shirt and Dockers khakis with an elastic waist.

The funny thing is, these middle-aged douchebags don’t seem to understand that, and they’ll do their best to flirt with these girls anyways. They don’t care that they have absolutely nothing in common with a girl her age, nor do they care that when they’re watching the 10pm local news and getting ready to go to bed, that girl is doing keg stands before showing her thong to a party of frat guys.

The middle-aged douchebag ignores those facts, and continues to flirt as if he’s everything this girl dreamed of.

Middle-aged douchebags often use the same flirting methods that douchebags half their age utilize, only they do it via different means. For example, much like how 20-something douchebags are overly concerned with money and the superficial things in life, so are the middle-aged douchebags.

The 20-something douchebags are of the belief that by breaking out a wad of cash they’re taking the first step towards getting into some young girls pants, and the middle-aged douchebags have that same mindset, only instead of breaking out a wad of cash, they whip out a platinum American Express card.

You see, these middle-aged douchebags think that a strong line of credit, and the ability to pay off your balance at the end of the month, is much hotter than a gangster-roll of Benjamins.

Oh, and for the record, I’m well aware that I sound like a douchebag for using the phrase, “A gangster roll of Benjamins”.

I ask that you let it slide.

These middle-aged douchebags are always driving around in a bright red Corvette, or in some cases a Porsche. The mindset of the middle-aged douchebag is that these cars show everyone that they not only have money, but that they’re hip and with the times; ironically, it actually shows everyone that the driver is going through a mid-life crisis, and normally goes home at 7:30 to drink Jack Daniels alone before whacking off to the copies of Cosmo their wife has lying around the bathroom.

Obviously a middle-aged man has very little in common with a 19 or 20-year-old girl, but that doesn’t stop this guy from attempting to make conversation with them about things that are hip at the time. These old guys will regularly talk about “the Facebook”, iPods, and in some hilarious cases, reality shows they watch on MTV.

I’m not kidding, I’ve actually heard 40 year-old men flirt with young girls by talking about an episode of The Hills they saw. Until you’ve heard a middle-aged guy discuss how Heidi is a bitch for spreading a rumor about Lauren, and thus Lauren is justified in cutting off all ties with her, you haven’t lived.

No, I don’t watch The Hills.

Seriously.

When a middle-aged douchebag talks about things like that, they immediately seem out of place, but the young girl always acts flirtatious and plays into it.

I’m not sure if these girls act interested because all women like the attention of the opposite sex, or if its because they want to make these old guys feel good about themselves, but almost always the young girl being flirted with makes it a point to egg on the middle-aged douchebag.

These girls will compliment the Ferrari or Corvette the guy is driving, they’ll make comments about how the guy in question “doesn’t look their age”, and make other little suggestive motions with their bodies that inevitably causes the middle-aged man to masturbate to the memory later on in the evening.

The funny thing is, I’m not 100% sure whether these middle-aged douchebags were always douchebags, or whether their actions are simply a by-product of old age. I’m sure there are a lot of older guys who want to reclaim their youth, and they figure that the best way to do that is to secure the attention of a 19 year old chick whose biggest concern in life is what kind of vodka she’s going to drink that night.

I have no idea where life is going to lead me in 20+ years, but I sincerely hope I never reach the point in my life where I find myself flirting with girls I have absolutely no business talking to. I hope to never drive around in a Ferrari, I hope I never attempt to impress a chick with a credit score in the 700’s, and I hope that the highlight of my life is never the reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond that run at 10pm on my local Fox affiliate.

I truly hope I age gracefully, and I hope 20 years from now a kid in his 20’s doesn’t look at me with the same grimace and disdain that I currently show towards those type of individuals; but if I do, I hope that 20 year old is kind enough to pull me aside, slap me in the face, and tell me to get real. I figure that would either wake me up to reality and cause me to act my age, or possibly give me an excuse to haul off and deck a 24 year-old guy.

I mean, young chicks dig old guys who can fight?

Right?