by Ken Tuccio

I’m a huge fan of Mario Kart, I have been since I was a child and first played it on the SNES. Nowadays I play the game on the Wii, and I’m still as fond of it as I was when I was a kid.

Mario Kart isn’t simply a game I enjoy sitting down and playing, Mario Kart is a game that I wish I could live. I wish that I could regularly drive in the karts or bikes that Mario, Luigi, and Bowser regularly cruise in. The prospect of living Mario Kart absolutely excites me, and rightfully so, because it would rock.

Think about how awesome your morning commute would be if you could do it Mario Kart style.

Imagine if, when you hopped in your car in the morning, prior to putting your foot on the gas, you’d have the guidance of a little cloud dude telling you when to start moving. It would make the beginning of your commute, something that’s normally dreadful, a tad bit exciting.

Then think about all the amazing things you’d run into on the way to work.

Normally when I’m trekking to work I’m a tad out of it. I don’t want to go to the office, and as such I find myself having very little motivation; that would completely change if I had the ability to bust open question mark boxes on the highway and receive little prizes.

Think about how phenomenal that would be. I’d love being able to toss shells at douche bags in BMW’s while trudging to the office, and the idea of being able to use mushrooms prior to stepping foot in my cubicle is an awesome prospect.

Hell, nowadays I’d get fired if I used ‘shrooms prior to going into work; my boss has a thing against psychedelics.

Stupid narc.

I’d also love using that blue shell, the one that immediately destroys the guy that’s in first place during the race. I’d use that bad boy right when I’m about to pull into Starbucks, because nothing annoys me more than having to wait in line at 8:30 in the morning. Using an errant shell to knock out the guy who can’t decide whether he wants a latte or a regular coffee is an opportunity I simply can’t pass up.

Then there’s the interaction with the other drivers, which is amazing beyond words.

Imagine if it were socially acceptable to drive in the same manner they drive in Mario Kart? I’d love that. The idea of being able to ram into cars, slam oncoming traffic into the side of the road, and knock cars and bikes off bridges and into large bodies of water makes me gleeful inside.

Yes, I said gleeful. It’s a masculine word.

There are so many times in the morning where I’m annoyed, normally because I’m running late and I find myself stuck behind some soccer Mom who’s afraid to drive faster than 15 miles per hour. If I had the ability to slam my kart into the back of her mini-van, make her spin out, and then cause her to slip on a banana peel for good measure, it would relieve a lot of the stress that I regularly find myself experiencing during my normal morning commute.

Hell, even the negative aspects of Mario Kart seem awesome to me during the early morning hours.

I think if my morning commute were like Mario Kart, I’d regularly drive off bridges, causing myself to plunge into lakes, ponds, and other hazardous areas. I wouldn’t do this out of an urge to kill myself, nor would I do it out of some perverse, masochistic, sexual pleasure; I’d do it because I know full well that I’d end up being kindly placed back on the road by a cloud.

Seriously, think about that.

Imagine taking a ride on a cloud at 8:00 in the morning. Beyond hitting the bong prior to brushing your teeth, there’s no better thing that can happen to you in the morning hours.

I even like the way Mario Kart protects you if you get lost while driving to work, as they’re kind enough to tell you that you’re going the wrong way.

Gone are the days where one wrong turn gets you lost in a neighborhood you’ve never been in. Those moments of frustration are now replaced with moments of joy, because you’re going to be told you’re headed in the wrong direction by a fucking cloud.

Again, a fucking cloud.

In case you can’t tell, I think clouds rock.

All in all, if my commute to work were like Mario Kart, then I’d be the happiest 9 to 5’er on the face of the earth. My cubicle would be stocked with trophies from the Star, Flower, and Banana Cups, the highway would be chock-full of patches that caused me to increase my speed without hesitation, and I’d be able to rear end the Princess without being arrested for rape.

Trust me, she likes it like that.